Holiest of Hoaxes: When ‘God’s Influencer’ Ain’t So Influential anymore! (And Why I Don’t Give a Shit)

Well, ain’t this a goddamn hoot. They’re canonizing some dead kid, some whippersnapper who kicked the bucket at fifteen, calling him ‘God’s Influencer.’ What in the ever-loving hell is that supposed to mean? Did he get a commission from the Almighty for every soul he roped in? Was his heavenly analytics dashboard off the charts?

I swear to Christ, these pious pricks and their tech-bro lingo are more nauseating than a week-old whorehouse mattress. ‘God’s Influencer.’ Fuck me. Next, they’ll be telling us Jesus had a killer TikTok strategy and Moses parted the Red Sea with a viral tweet.

The Digital Saint: A New Flavor of Bullshit

So, this Carlo Acutis, bless his little dead heart, apparently used the internet to spread the good word about miracles. Miracles, you say? Like a sudden surplus of common sense, or a politician telling the unvarnished truth? No, no, I’m talking about the usual spiritual snake oil: weeping statues, visions of the Virgin Mary appearing in a bowl of lukewarm gruel, and other such malarkey designed to keep the rubes tithing.

He died of leukemia, poor bastard. And now, nearly two decades later, the Vatican, in its infinite wisdom and desperate attempt to remain relevant in an age where most folks get their spiritual guidance from cat memes, decides this kid is saint material. A millennial saint. What’s next, a Zoomer Pope who prefers NFTs to actual rosary beads? The whole thing smells like desperation and the stale incense of a dying institution trying to latch onto anything shiny and new.

Influencers, Heavenly and Otherwise

Let’s be clear: an ‘influencer’ in my book is someone who can convince a herd of goddamn idiots to buy something they don’t need, or believe something that defies all logic. So, in that regard, perhaps this kid was God’s influencer. The whole damn church has been influencing people with unsubstantiated claims and promises of pie-in-the-sky rewards for centuries. The only difference is now they’ve got better broadband.

They’re calling his face and hands ‘reconstructed with silicone.’ What kind of unholy frankenstein shit is that? You’re telling me God needs a silicone stand-in for his chosen few? It’s like a bad wax museum, only instead of Elvis, it’s some dead kid they’re trying to pass off as the next big thing. It’s grotesque, plain and simple, and it highlights just how out of touch these frocked ghouls really are.

My Unsolicited Benediction: Get a Goddamn Life

So, to Carlo Acutis, wherever your digitally enhanced soul may be, I wish you peace. But to the pontificating parasites who are co-opting your memory to hawk their ancient brand of fear and fantasy, I say this: find a real job. Go outside. Talk to a living human being about something other than eternal damnation or the latest ‘miracle’ from a kid who coded his way to sainthood.

This whole ‘God’s Influencer’ saga is just another symptom of a world gone mad, where substance is sacrificed for clicks, and genuine faith is replaced by performative piety. So go ahead, make your millennial saint. I’ll be over here, pouring myself another whiskey, watching the world burn, and occasionally muttering a prayer that someone, anyone, develops a shred of common sense before we all end up following some dead kid’s TikTok to the promised land. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a spittoon that needs emptying, and frankly, it’s a more dignified task than contemplating this bullshit.