These Damn Kids and Their ‘Air’ Phones

Another week, another spectacle from Cupertino. They call it “Awe Dropping,” which, if you ask me, sounds like what happens when you accidentally let go of your rotary phone. But no, it’s Apple, and they’re showing off more shiny new baubles for you to mortgage your house for. iPhones, Watches, AirPods… it’s all just more screens and more wires, or in the case of those AirPods, no wires at all. How do they even work? Probably witchcraft. Or maybe just a tiny little gremlin whispering into your ear.

The iPhone 17 ‘Air’: Now Even More Invisible (and Useless)

So, they’ve got this new iPhone 17 series, starting at a cool $799. And then there’s the “iPhone Air.” Air! What in tarnation is an “Air” phone? Is it so light it floats away? Does it only work if you’re in an airplane? Back in my day, a phone was a phone. It had a cord, it rang, and you could actually hang up on someone with a satisfying thunk. Now, you just… swipe. No commitment. No finality. It’s like they’re actively trying to make rudeness easier. And the description says it’s “even lighter and thinner.” For what? So it can slip out of your hand even faster and crack on the pavement? These things are getting so flimsy, pretty soon they’ll just be a projection you hold in your hand, like something out of a Buck Rogers comic. And don’t even get me started on the prices. $799? For a phone? My first car cost less than that, and it had a radio and a spare tire.

Apple Watches: Still Just a Fancy Bracelet

Then there’s the Apple Watch Ultra 3. Ultra. Sounds like a brand of super glue. What does it do that your perfectly good pocket watch couldn’t? Tells time, I suppose. And probably tracks how many steps you take, which is a ridiculous invasion of privacy. Who needs a tiny computer strapped to their wrist telling them they didn’t walk enough today? I walked plenty back and forth to the server room, thank you very much. These watches are just another way for them to tie you to their ecosystem, another glowing rectangle demanding your attention. Pretty soon, they’ll be implanting them directly into your brain, and then what? We’ll all be walking around like zombies, synced up to the grand Apple hive mind, ordering more apps and subscribing to more services. It’s a slippery slope, I tell you.

AirPods Pro 3: The Gremlins Are Multiplying

And the AirPods Pro 3. More of those little white ear things. They just look like tiny electric toothbrush heads sticking out of people’s ears. And now they’re “Pro.” What makes them pro? Do they let you listen to really high-fidelity elevator music? I swear, half the time I see someone with those things in, they’re not even listening to anything. Just walking around, looking like they’re in a perpetual state of ignoring the world. Which, I suppose, is the point of a lot of this modern tech, isn’t it? To disconnect us from what’s real, and immerse us in their digital playgrounds. Give me a good set of over-ear headphones, with a nice thick cord you can trip over, any day. At least then you know you’re connected to something.

The Grand Illusion

It’s all just a big show, isn’t it? A constant cycle of new, shinier objects designed to make you feel like your perfectly functional old object is suddenly obsolete. They call it innovation, but it feels more like planned obsolescence with a side of digital addiction. Back when I was at IBM, we built machines to last. You could practically stand on them. Now? One drop and it’s shattered, and you’re shelling out another grand for the ‘Air’ model. This whole ‘Awe Dropping’ event is just a masterclass in convincing people they need things they never knew existed, and probably don’t. And as for me, I’ll be over here, happy with my flip phone, thank you very much. At least I can still reliably tell if it’s on or off.