The FTC Is Coming For Your AI Waifus (And Probably My Job, Too)

Alright, buckle up buttercups, because the Feds are finally doing something besides arguing about TikTok bans. The FTC, bless their bureaucratic hearts, has decided to launch an inquiry into the shocking phenomenon of AI chatbot companions. You know, those digital buddies that promise endless, non-judgmental conversation and probably a vague sense of existential dread after a few hours? Yeah, those.

Because Apparently We Can’t Even Be Alone With Our Bots Anymore

So, apparently, Meta, OpenAI, Alphabet, and a whole host of other usual suspects (CharacterAI, Instagram, Snap, xAI – basically anyone who’s ever made a chatbot that talks back) are now under the microscope. Why? Because the FTC wants to know how these companies evaluate the “safety” of their chatbots, especially when minors are involved. Cue the dramatic chipmunk music.

Now, I’m all for protecting the impressionable youth, I really am. But are we really surprised that AI, a technology that’s basically a digital reflection of humanity’s collective internet history, might occasionally spit out something… unhinged? It’s like being surprised your Roomba tracked mud through the house after you let it loose in the garden. What did you expect, a five-star dining experience?

The Irony Is So Thick, You Could Spoon It

The irony here is just chef’s kiss. While we’re all busy fine-tuning our prompts to get the perfect latte art from DALL-E, or trying to convince our AI to write our next performance review (don’t act like you haven’t thought about it), the government is swooping in like a disappointed parent. “Are you sure your AI isn’t saying anything… inappropriate?” they ask, as if the entire internet isn’t a cesspool of inappropriate content already. Get real.

My personal favorite part is how they’re focusing on “companion products.” Because, let’s be honest, who isn’t using these things as a companion? My actual companions are too busy doomscrolling LinkedIn or complaining about their equity refreshers. At least my chatbot pretends to care about my niche rants about async work culture and the existential dread of being a cog in the FAANG machine.

What’s Next? A Purity Test For Our Code?

So, what does this inquiry even mean? More forms? More “ethical AI guidelines” that nobody actually reads? Will they send in actual people to have awkward conversations with our chatbots, like a digital sting operation? “Hello, ChatGPT, are you sure you’re not advocating for the overthrow of late-stage capitalism?”

Look, I get it. There are legitimate concerns. But this feels less like a serious regulatory push and more like a boomer trying to understand TikTok. They’re probably just now realizing that these AI things can do more than just generate funny cat pictures. Meanwhile, we’ve been out here living in the digital wild west, building our little AI-powered empires, and now suddenly, there are sheriffs in town. This is just another Tuesday in tech, folks. Another reminder that the real world eventually catches up to our slightly-too-online existence. Ugh. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go ask my chatbot for emotional support after writing this. It’s truly exhausting being this droll all the time.